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I Ham, Who I Ham
By No Reservations Crew on August 18, 2008 12:59 PM | Permalink | 16 Comments
By Emily Mraz, Segment Producer
It is easy to recall the day I learned that I would be one of the segment producers for "No Reservations, "I was ecstatic. What an amazing adventure! My imagination ran wild with the places we would travel, the people we'd meet, and the food ... Oh crap, the food. What was I going to do? How could I tell Anthony Bourdain, vegetarian loather, that his new segment producer had never eaten pork or any sort of red meat in her entire life? My conclusion, I couldn't. My food flaw was a serious offense and would have to be kept top-secret for three meals a day.
When I say I've never eaten red meat or pork, I mean never. From birth I have been mostly vegetarian - a little chicken here, a little fish there. My parents didn't cook meat so we didn't eat it. It was a challenging thing to hide, especially from someone like Tony. Throughout the Romania and Hawaii episodes I employed a number of maneuvers harkening back to childhood and my grandparents disdain for my eating habits. There was the chewing-and-spitting-sausage-into-the-napkin trick, the careful switching-the-plates-of-Spam, and even the under-the-table-ham-hand-off.
My main concern is not offending my host, which is why my failsafe has always been the stuff-yourself-silly-with-something. We had been prepping for our Spain show for about 6 weeks and we had a kick-ass show on our hands. Everything was perfect ... the locations, the menus, the chefs, the sidekicks, it was all there. "Spain," as Tony would say, "is triple X on the food porn." We scheduled nothing else, just loads of luscious meat. Meat, meat, meat and more meat. Granted, I may have never tasted half of what we researched, but I knew, theoretically, its importance to those carnivorous taste buds.
I fantasized how I would tell him. A scene from "Who's the Boss" where Tony is, well, Tony and I am Samantha. We would have just wrapped for the day, the crew scoffing down leftover plates of ham iberico. He notices that I haven't partaken of these piglet pieces of perfection. I look guiltily out from under my bangs. He gives me that Danza frown, "Samantaaaaa" and we burst into laughter, Tony wondering how a vegetarian could have infiltrated the ranks. I shrug smiling and eat a carrot stick. Cue the hugs and rolling credits.
Bourdain's hatred of vegetarians is no secret. I had read the interviews, seen the episodes and even heard it from the man himself. Maybe he would dress me in antlers and bow-hunt me in the next episode. Or worse, tie me to a chair in some dark, abandoned warehouse, with various cuts of meat laid out like the tools of a torture mastermind. Sausages, prosciuttos, and sirloins. Would he break me and use me as an example? String-up a meat-stuffed scarecrow to ward off future vegetarian segment producers?
It was time to get on that plane to Barcelona. I was going to come clean once and for all, no matter what the repercussions. As anticipated, I was surrounded by plate after plate of cured meat and not a vegetable in sight. Tables of ham iberico stretching like an endless pink fleshy super-highway. Tony, the crew and our hosts feasted on the bounty before them. Like admitting to an affair on Valentine's Day this was not the time for confessions. So I activated the failsafe. In this case it was sardines. I went through more fish than the feed truck at Seaworld. I ate them until I was safely out of ham's way. And that is how it went for 10 days in beautiful Spain. But this story isn't over, just to-be-continued. There will be other trips without fish or any other safety net I have used thus far. And as most of you can predict, it will now become mission number one to convert me. I guess it's all on the table now.
16 Comments
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Granted, there are some formw of cow and pig that are not very pleasant, but IBERICO, c'mon!!
you are an idiot. Tony should fire you, because a segment producer ahs to understand the essence of the message she is trying to communicate through the segment, and that my dear, as a vegetarian, you can not do.
Sorry, maybe Martha Stewart can give you a job, or better yet: Rachel Ray!!!
I saw the show. It was great, perfect, glorious. She didn't screw up, that I could see. It was good tv. That's what matters. That's all that matters.
So good job, closet vegetarian. Good job indeed.
Giving flack to someone for having preferences? ideals? differences? Come on. Having unique viewpoints on life, and being able to channel the viewpoints of *others* is an important component of why No Reservations works.
If she can deal with her own issues, what's going on in her own head and her own life, and do the work, then she's doing better than a crowd of tragically famous people.
So keep up the good work, and don't listen to any negative comments from the bitterness-jealousy crowd.
Well one the hand I can understand you very good, as there is perhaps nothing more humilating as choping a creature into pieces and put it into its own a** (sausage). But trust me, a great beef steak is definetly something you have to experience. There's still a chance for you to become bon vivant;) Best of luck!
Nice job Em, keep your faith. But I fear for you now. Four words come to mind... Ted Nugent Summer Camp.
Get over yourself, no one wants to convert you. It's your loss nothing else. If you think you know what food offers without eating it...you're like the three blind men describing the elephant. Inconsequential.
Eating meat or not should be the decission of every individual itsself. It´s only a good steak, if you try to keep forgetting, where it comes from.
Well?! What happened? How did he take it? what did he say?
I don't remember what was in it, but I also don't remember much from that night in Madrid. I do remember it was cinnamony goodness and went down far too easy. I am also very jealous that you are blogging for the show!