No Reservations: USA Tour '08

By No Reservations Crew on August 5, 2008 12:56 PM | Permalink | 15 Comments

by Jared Andrukanis, Segment Producer

It starts to get strange at hour six of driving.

First to go are the cluster of muscles in your neck. It begins as a subtle stiffness, and then, before you know it, your head is locked in a forward position. To turn and look at the side mirror becomes a full body motion. Speaking of the side mirror, the gaff tape we used to keep it from lolling uselessly forward above 50mph is flapping wildly as we rocket down TX-287 South.

Hour seven brings the lower back cramping. This is most likely from wrenching your body around in the seat to look out the broken side mirror. There is no real way to fix this you just have to deal with it. I toss four Advil in my mouth like candy and wash them down with an entire can of some sort of Red Bull clone. I hope the inevitable stiffness will not be too crippling tomorrow.
At hour eight your eyes start to blur. This is extremely disconcerting. I wear contact lenses, so I reach for the Visine we always bring on our trips, and start spraying it in my eyes. Left. Right. I repeat this every ten minutes until I am out of Visine. Shit.

My executive producer is sitting in the passenger seat of the 30 foot RV we are using for this road trip. He is trying very hard to stay awake most likely because he is worried about my driving after seeing me rubbing my eyes to keep them clear and doing strange stretches to keep my back from freezing up completely. I tell him he can nod off. He just shakes his head no and points towards the road. I am not sure exactly what this means, but completely understand for some reason. I must be exhausted because that last sentence I just typed makes no sense.

The Red Bull Clone kicks in, and now I am a really awake guy with a frozen neck, cramping back, and blurred vision. I immediately wish I had taken the Advil with water.

I check the odometer and we are at mile 1900. California's Salton Sea, where this trip began, is not even a memory. It is ancient history. All I can remember clearly at this moment is that we have been driving for a long time.

Forever.

At hour nine the Red Bull Clone wears off. I immediately wish I had more Red Bull clone. If I had three wishes, which I guess is pretty much standard for wishing, the other two would be:

I wish I could fully extend both my right and left legs right now.

I wish we were arriving at our in hotel in Waco right now.

In a moment of desperation, I rub my empty can of Red Bull Clone. No overly hyperactive genie (or magical miniature bovine) appears to grant my wishes. Dammit.

At hour ten my third wish comes true. As I open the door of the RV and step out I nearly fall to the ground since my legs have atrophied from not being used for anything but pushing the gas and brake pedals for the last 600 minutes or so.

My right ankle is surprisingly limber though.

At hour eleven, I crumple onto my bed in a hotel room located somewhere in south central Texas. As the darkness of exhaustion closes in, I grope for the alarm clock. I have about five hours to sleep until call tomorrow.

The next five hours are quite possibly the best of my life.

Tags: anthony bourdain blog , crew blog , zero point zero blog , anthony bourdain , jared andrukanis , chris collins , no reservations , u.s. southwest , us southwest show , travel channel , anthony bourdain no reservations

15 Comments

1

janey - August 05 2008 @ 2:12 pm I hope you get scale plus time and a half, for your efforts. Enjoyed the episode!!
2

Katie - August 05 2008 @ 2:51 pm I have played that game more times than I care to recall. All I remember is that I start to resemble the Honorable Dr. Gonzo by about hour 8. And I'm a woman. Cheers to all the road warriors that make NR happen.
3

Doug Kane - August 05 2008 @ 3:26 pm The human body has an uncanny way of letting you know its not happy. On a flight from JFK to Heathrow my 6 foot 5 inch frame was jammed into a window seat in economy class. My left knee was mercilessly pinned between the cabin and the seat in front of me. Pain set in and I would have given anything to be able to staighten out that leg. When the seat belt light went off I could barely walk to the lavatory. That lavatory seat felt like first class as I could bend that leg. Little things do mean a lot.
4

smokey - August 05 2008 @ 3:33 pm I started to have sympathy pains as I read.Thanks for the blog. Always look forward to them
5

Tom - August 05 2008 @ 6:43 pm I know this has nothing to do with the blog but how did you guys get your jobs? And are there positions opened?
6

june-baby - August 06 2008 @ 2:46 am YAWN!!, I'am tried just reading this blog, LOL. All of you did a great job. One question Jared did you and the rest of the NR crew get to drive the BMW or did Tony hog it the whole time after he cooked for all of you guys? I loved Monday Night's episode of NR.
7

Kaitlin - August 06 2008 @ 1:34 pm So I am just going to be honest. You guys must need someone to do something else around there? HIRE ME! I will do anything/eat anything in order to get a job with you!! Please put me out of the misery of my current job and help me do something I really enjoy. Eating and talking about it. I love NR and it would be my dream to work with you! Please let me know if you need somoene...
8

marla OC, Ca. - August 11 2008 @ 6:10 pm Hey Jared, This isn't about the post but I'm a fan who'd like your boss to stick around to show me more places I haven't seen. However, he won't if he keeps smoking. How many times is he going to joke on air about how compromised his pulmonary system is because of his chain smoking? I hope his crew is intolerant--You should be for your own good--. without Mr. Bourdain, there's no show. Yeah, yeah, I know it's hard to quit but not impossible unless you believe it is. If he can't conquer this demon, it's a waste of a good mind who's also blessed with a cute face. Sign me, A concerned fan who's watched too many people die of lung cancer and emphysema.
9

Creceda J. LeMaire - August 16 2008 @ 5:27 pm Big applause to you guys (the crew, Tony, and editors) for making a show that is aesthetically stimulating and a joy to listen to. It shows that you work your **** off and do a damn good job of making it seem like it's all good times and good food. I have to admit i am a bit infactuated with the show. It's the mixture of great production, editing, gumpf (aka balls), Tony's words, and real food the way I like it that makes wanting more. It's one of the only shows I take the time to watch, not even the shows i work on (for the most part.) Thanks for your hard work. If anyone needs a sabbatical, i wouldn't mind busting my *** with you guys. Really. Shots all around, Creceda J. LeMaire
10

Randall Seamn - August 28 2008 @ 6:06 pm For us Texans, just another day of going from here to there... you get used to it! Welcome and glad you have y'all!
11

Luis B. from Arlington, VA - September 03 2008 @ 10:30 pm Heard you guys made it out to "El Pollo Rico" in Arlington VA during your stay in Washington, DC. Wanted to know how the crew liked the chicken and when should I look for the episode? Thanks and great show!
12

Imari Kariotis - October 30 2008 @ 5:23 pm
Hey guys come back to the Salton Sea the first weekend in Dec, The Boats are racing on the North Shore, teh Old Club will be reopened and drinks will be flowing..
13

David - January 28 2009 @ 6:35 pm
The pain ingrains the experience of the trip into your psyche.
14

Jimi Shelter - April 01 2009 @ 10:50 pm
No disrespect, but, Kearny,Nebraska to Plymouth,Mass.,...non-stop in a '73 Ford Galaxie 500. This was in '96,.....33 1/2 hours....no pain....three days after getting a new titanium rod inserted into my left shin....no pain....just a little morphine and coffee...
Gimme a jingle if you need a driver.
The legs all better and the dope is history.
15

oyunlar - September 12 2009 @ 7:13 pm
Pain set in and I would have given anything to be able to staighten out that leg. When the seat belt light went off I could barely walk to the lavatory.