Tony's driving our big black Caddy, skimming the Ike, just south of downtown Chicago. I'm lying down in the backseat, deliberately in hiding. Trying to act like it's cool. Like it's totally not uncomfortable. In every sense of the word. You must know, faithful Bourdain Crew Blog Reader, how Tony doesn't like doing the walking shots? Well apparently he doesn't like repetitious driving shots either, as evidenced by his increasingly road-rage-alicious maneuvers. Oh, and the occasional explosive swearing was a little hint, too. As I'm trying to multitask on my new iPhone, navigating prone and linked with the crew van, I'm so glad they're yukking it up over there. I can hear Chris, Diane, Alex, Kira, Erik and even my brother William, whom I recruited to drive, practically singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." By the way, Chris, when you told me to duck down to get out of the shot and I dropped down to the right, I heard you say, "I wish she would have leaned the other way!" Ha. Ha. Meanwhile I desperately cling to the fine leather upholstery, trying not to get flung hard to the floor. At least I'm grateful for all the time I spent on a Deadliest Catch-esque fishing boat this summer curing myself of motion sickness.

And at that moment my skin felt electrified. It was a position you would have killed to be in - as weird as it was. I didn't want to be anywhere else. Doing anything else. With anyone else. Thanks to Tony, Chris, Lydia, Diane and the entire "No Reservations" crew - my dear, extended, endlessly entertaining dysfunctional family - I have been allowed to live an adventurous food life far beyond what I deserve.

Three weeks ago, as of this blogging, we wrapped the long-awaited Chicago shoot. Tony mentions it briefly in his recent blog post about the upcoming Season 5. He writes, "Our Chicago show was filmed in a state of full-on hero worship, as I've been long besotted by Michael Mann's Chicago-based film, 'Thief.'" By the way, that film is beyond noir - the story is black-hole black - and to play amateur forensic psychologist, wow an insight into Tony's psyche, I think - but incredibly beautiful to watch.

I again worked as a fixer. I hold the distinction of being the first ever "No Reservations" fixer. Remember me in the meat market scene in Paris? And what is a fixer, you ask? In the job description it's a local translator and guide. For Tony fans, you'll understand when I say I was the Zamir.

So this summer I was cooking away for the Alaskan fishing boat and lodge and I got the call from Lydia. Chicago's on. In a month. And to paraphrase another film - film nerds that we are - it was an offer I could not refuse. Chicago is my hometown, and I have been waiting for nearly four years for the show to come to my town. Yes, of course we went to Hot Doug's, home to the infamous, once-illegal foie gras hot dog and duck-fat-fried fries - still served Fridays and Saturdays only.

And yes, we had pizza, but probably not anywhere you would think. We went to my beloved Burt's in the occasionally Twin Peaks-ish suburb of Morton Grove. The inimitable Burt and his gorgeous caramelized crust were featured on the cover of Saveur's Chicago issue last year.

But no beef. Yes, fellow Chicagoans, you heard me. No Italian beef. Why? Because as you know, we have an embarrassment of food riches. And we did the Mother-in-Law instead. You've never had the South Side specialty of a Chicago-style tamale smothered in chili, garnished with onions and sport peppers, wrapped in a warm poppy-seed bun? Well ya see, there's more to Chicago than just dogs, pizza and beef.

But we did have beef. And as my hair stylist Daniel dubbed them, Beef Daddies: Tony and Very Special Guest, Eric Ripert. I found myself with Tony and Eric (Freakin') Ripert at L20 nestled into our own private tatami room. I fully expect to be cut out of that scene, like the end person in a wedding party pic.

And speaking of beef, I called it at the Wagyu. L20's Chef/Partner Laurent Gras, an old friend of both Tony and Eric's, even had the audacity to send out the muzzle-printed certificate of authenticity. I mean come on now, Laurent - did you really need to flop that out? It was more than enough that each bite of that beef was like the crispy charred bit of fat that you steal off a steak even when it's too hot because it's that good. Every single bite of that entire deathbed-memorable meal was all that good. But I could only take two bites of the Wagyu- one wocka-wocka food porn one for the camera and the other one purely for my own gratuitous pleasure. As for the rest, when our kimono-clad server came to take our plates, I asked her to take mine over to producers Alex and Diane in the tatami room next door. Camerapeople Kira and Erik would have to wait until our conversation wandered into Not Safe For the New York Food Media Mafia territory and Tony told them point blank, "Don't shoot this." Poor Exec Producer Chris was shooting in the kitchen, Steak Outta Luck.

At the end of the night I drove the Caddy home. Tony slurred, "How is it that you're in better shape than we are?" Silly boy. Raiders of the Lost Ark? The shot glass scene? I switched from the endless rare, vintage bottles of sake to H20 early in the night.

With the Beef Daddies comfortably slumped in their seats, I knew again, I didn't want to be anywhere else.

Oh the Holiday Show--what an experience! I feel like it's been December since the beginning of August. Let me see, let me see. Memories. I remember Tony wearing a bee outfit at Stone Barns, which was perfect. But this will only be seen by our international audiences. It's definitely worth a look-see, if you can, though. Curling with Tony and Todd? PRICELESS. Todd is such a trouper. I'm starting to think he likes it when we take the camera out of his hand and hand him alcohol. When IS Toddles gonna have his own show, huh? Can you say, "spin off?" (But not like "Joey"...I mean, something good).I have been working with Tony now for close to 3 years and this was the first time I worked domestically. It was actually so refreshing to be able to shoot a day and then to lay down that same night in my own bed in New York. Usually it's day after day, hotel after hotel, bleary-eyed cup of coffee after intoxicating cup of local brew (or is it the other way around?). I don't know. Usually I don't know which way is up and we just go go go. This specific shoot was shot a day at a time--ok, we did spend a night in LA filming with Queens of the Stone Age in their recording studio/practice space. That was awesome! Get up before the sun. Jump on a plane. Fly across the country. Get car go directly to studio. Set up. Film rock and roll. Film more rock and roll. Drink excessively. Crash in LA hotel for a nap. Up at dawn. Fly back across the country. Fun as hell, but made my head spin. I'm originally from LA, but didn't see anyone. Work work work. And then there was the "house shoot" which was 2 days in a row. Fun times in a hotel on the side of a freeway somewhere NOT in New York City. Those were two grueling days, but, like, sooooooo fun (I told you I was from LA). QOTSA were amazing! Can I repeat myself? Queens of the Stone Age were absolutely amazing!! They were all so professional, extremely creative and immensely patient. Josh, Troy, Joey, Michael, Dean: thank you so much! They CAME with those sweaters. We didn't make them wear shit. Talk about team players! And when they were jamming outside the house...my god. First off, we threw Jingle Bells and Deck the Halls at them. Sung, done, no problem, fun. They even let us sprinkle fake snow in their hair! Then came the improvisation. Basically, each ACT of our show has a theme. So I would just give them the theme, give them a couple of adjectives, adverbs, lines that I was looking for, etc. Bam! They'd make up an absolutely hilarious song on the spot. It was amazing to witness. I know y'all think I'm just kissing their ass and I would be lying if I didn't say that I was definitely a fan before we shot with them. We ALL are! But they really were the most professional, fun and into-it rock stars I have ever worked with. Seriously. I truly hope that I get the opportunity to work with them again. Hold on, I can feel it...we WILL! Happy F*#king Holidays!